By JAMIE SHANKS of the Weyburn Review
And now, after what must have been a solid 30 seconds of actual
work, the Fifth Column proudly presents the Ballad of the Big
Turk.
Yes, the Big Turk - a mighty slab of chewy purple gelatin shrouded in mystery and intrigue as old as time, found wherever candy bars are peddled shamelessly to the masses. But where did it come from? What is its amazing story? Nobody seems to know or care.
In an attempt to find out, I got on the horn to Nestlé but they immediately fed me a rank line of low-quality bull and brushed me off like lint. Of course, knowing bugger-all about a given subject has never stopped me before, so sink your chops into this, my friends.
Dawn of history: the ancient Mayans use cocoa beans to produce a drink called cacahuaquchtl and the good times begin to roll. The Aztecs later pick up the habit as well.
1485 A.D.: Hernán Cortes is born in Spain. What the hell does all this have to do with Big Turk candy bars, you ask.
1492: Columbus discovers the New World. Total Big Turk production to this point: zero.
1519: Cortes, apparently a man who knew a chance to make a quick buck when he saw one, leads an expedition to the New World in search of loot. The Aztecs offer him one of their greatest treasures - xocoatl, made from the lowly cocoa bean. Deeply touched, Cortes sacks and burns their entire civilization and wipes them off the face of the Earth.
Shortly afterward: Cortes heads home and introduces xocoatl to Europe, changing the name to "chocolate" because nobody can pronounce xocoatl.
17th century: chocolate earns a rep as the "food of the gods" and soon tops the culinary charts.
1875: Swiss candy maker Daniel Peter, after years of monkeying around with milk and cocoa powder, finally invents milk chocolate. His neighbor Henri Nestlé shrewdly cuts himself in and they go into business together. Peter later vanishes into the mists of time, probably after taking a swim in a pair of cement galoshes.
1989: two college students in Winnipeg pool their pocket change and joyously discover they have enough money to buy chocolate bars for lunch, a veritable feast. Student A spots a pair of xocoatl-covered Big Turks and convinces Student B to buy them because, he claims, they are "delicious" and he hasn't eaten one in years. Student B forks over the silver and can still recall the horrible sound as Student A flung open the nearest locker a moment later and spat a huge wad of purple chaw therein.
1998: a dirty joke emerges on the Internet using the names of famous chocolate bars. "One Payday, Mr. Goodbar wanted to Skor so he took Miss Hershey to the Pot O' Gold Motel on the corner of Aero and Fifth Ave. to show her some Twix he let out a Snicker as his [deleted] She screamed 'Oh Henry' as she grabbed his Big Turk to which Mr. Goodbar replied, 'When you're this good, they call you Mr. Big'."
Uncut version available upon request.
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