By JAMIE SHANKS of the Weyburn Review
I have a dream.
It is not, however, a dream in which the little children of a morally just society frolic happily together in the streets, regardless of their juxtaposed ethnicity - although that is a nice dream, to be sure. No, this dream is a little less high-falutin'. This dream is about superheroes at war.
Nope, nothing can bust up a peaceful day like a session of bumping chests over who would win a no-holds-barred comic book battle royal. Who is the toughest? Who would you put your money on in a brawl to settle it all? Close your eyes now, my brothers and sisters, and slumber along with me as we envision the potential results of this awesome clash.
We will, of course, immediately dispense with the idea of divvying everyone up separately into flyweight or super-heavyweight classes, because that is for chickens and losers. You came here to fight, so let's rumble.
As a result, I don't think it would come as a shock if the first superhero to bite the biscuit would be Dazzler, the sassy ex-disco diva who possesses the ridiculous power of converting sound waves into breathtaking flashes of rainbow-colored light. Hmmm. The odds on her lasting more than three seconds are about the same as Jewel teaming up to cut a single with White Zombie, or Arsenio Hall getting another shot at a sitcom. Likewise for Hawkeye. He might get lucky and take out Wonder Woman with some TNT or superglue, but sooner or later he'll be out of arrows and Spidey's going to feed him a king-sized webbing sandwich.
Then there's Wolverine. He's one tough hombre, but attitude ain't everything. A huff and a puff from Superman and whoosh, he's a cloud of dust.
Ah yes, the Man of Steel. Now we're getting into the heavy hitters and one is naturally tempted to lay big money on the last survivor of Krypton to go all the way. You would lose your wad faster than a speeding bullet, however. I personally recall a little brouhaha where Green Lantern put the kibosh on Superman simply by whipping up a 10-ton chunk of kryptonite out of thin air with his ring.
But GL has problems of his own because the ring only has enough juice to last 24 hours and then it's ready for Lenny Kravitz's jewelry box. Enter the Incredible Hulk, who has just finished giving the not-so-invincible Iron Man the lickin' of his life and now proceeds to stomp the living you-know-what out of the Thing once and for all.
The only dude who has a chance of beating the Hulk, as we all know, is the mighty Thor - and in a full-bore tilt between these two goons, my dough is on Thor. I mean, really. He's the Norse God of Thunder. He's got a temper like Rowdy Roddy Piper. And he's packing Mjolnir, the biggest two-handed magic war hammer you've ever laid eyes on. I'd be lying through my teeth if I said I wouldn't like to see him wind up and really crank somebody with that mutha and then spout something like, "So it hath been said! and so shall it BE!"
Right on.
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