By JAMIE SHANKS of the Weyburn Review
Well, I believe it is time once again, friends and neighbours,
to leap astride my high horse and gallop vaingloriously across
the plains of popular opinion, trampling the villainous minions
of corruption and sloth 'neath my thundering hooves as I spread
the holy gospel far and wide to the slumbering masses regarding
a somewhat nugatory subject that is nevertheless near and dear
to my heart: the brand new Star Wars film which will reportedly
be released next year on May 21, although it's already getting
to the point these days where every time I fork over my eight
beans and sit down in a theatre to watch a movie I begin foaming
at the mouth and pounding my mighty fists on the armrests as I
wonder, when the lights go down, if this is finally going to be
the time I see the "coming attractions" trailer for
the new movie (which is officially titled Star Wars Episode I:
The Phantom Menace) and if I do see one I'm probably going to
blow a head pipe because I've been waiting for 15 long, boring
years for George Lucas to get off his big, fat, rich Jedi Master
bunghole, get it in gear and make the prequel trilogy after screwing
me up for life with the first three films when I was just a little
kid, since any mature adult who can recite Greedo's dialogue from
the cantina scene and can remember that the Millenium Falcon made
the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs was obviously brainwashed
as a child, but in spite of that I'm not gonna hold my breath
waiting to see a trailer for the new film anytime this winter
for the simple reason that they don't need one because why should
they even bother when the news is all over the Internet now like
a bad stink and there's a legion of losers out there like myself
who are just milling around like Pavlov's dogs, marking time,
until the great day arrives when we can storm the theatres of
the world like a conquering army and end our pain at last, but
until that day you can rest assured that they can and will rake
in beaucoup bucks from us by offering the Star Wars version of
Trivial Pursuit (which I stumbled across recently while wandering
aimlessly through the aisles of a local department store toy section
as though I was a Tusken Raider searching the sand dunes of Tatooine
for his bantha) which offers no less than 2,000 questions about
the three original movies including such delightful brain-benders
as "How many shield generator spheres are found on the tower
of a Star Destroyer?" or "Who was dispatched to put
Moff Jerjerrod back on schedule?" and, yes, even that classic
stumper, "How many guns lined the first Death Star's trench,
according to Gold Five?" - all of which are guaranteed to
drive the most pathetic of Star Wars geeks into an even bigger
frenzy than the demented contestant I saw once on The Price is
Right who made it onstage and became so unglued after catching
sight of a station wagon that he popped a rivet in his knee and
wiped out while attempting to perform an insane victory dance
that almost killed Bob Barker and was forced to cool out in a
chair for the remainder of the show and think about what a Brobdingnagian
fool he made of himself on an international TV broadcast which,
as I write this, is still travelling out into space at the speed
of light and may someday actually reach the Andromeda galaxy far,
far away.
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