Ernestly ?!Ernestly ?!By ERNIE NEUFELD, Weyburn Review Associate Publisher
It was that time again: the semi-annual address changes that must be submitted if I am to have uninterrupted delivery of magazines, and bills which could attract service charges.
Credit card statements are particularly important, since usurious penalties for late payments are less fun than wasp-stings.
The credit card company offers a convenient 800 number for toll-free access. Naturally I availed myself of this. Promptly, a pleasant (but recorded) voice came on and offered, in both official languages and at considerable length, the benefits of some service I do not use or have any interest in.
After yes, after this bilingual pitch, I am asked to touch the appropriate button to indicate language preference.
Having complied, I am offered an inventory of options which I may "touchingly" accept or reject. At the end of this there is a final option to speak to an agent a real live breathing person. I gratefully press the designated button and a new voice advises that due to "unexpectedly high" traffic volumes it will be at least 15 minutes before an agent will be available. Naturally there is an unconvincing assurance that my call is important to the company presumably the president himself is agonizing over my inconvenience and that calls are handled strictly in order of receipt.
The heck with that and I may have used a stronger expletive. I have other things to do in the next 15 minutes, and even beyond.
The next morning dawns before I again deal with this little chore. I sigh resignedly while I once more am subjected to the bilingual pitch, the choice of languages, and all the other options not applicable to my needs of the moment.
Finally I arrive once more at the point where I am offered services of an agent for the bothersome offbeat assistance I require.
This time I draw a recitation of office hours (in another time zone) and the final revelation that, it being Saturday, the office is closed. I hang up wishing equally frustrating experiences in whatever exigencies the company's officers and staff may find themselves over the weekend.
Want to hear more? No need, I'm sure. Unless you have withdrawn to some Shangri-la where people have opted out of modern convenience and stony inconvenience, you can match anything I might offer and perhaps double in spades.
Suddenly I remember that there is hope. Not many weeks ago I read a call to rebellion in the Review from Fred McGuinness, whose column (Neighbourly News) usually appears just below mine, and also in scores of other western Canadian community newspapers. Clearly, he also has been pushed beyond endurance.
He is soliciting membership (at no charge) in FRACAS, an acronym for Friends Rebelling Against Corporate Automated Switchboards. "These monsters," he wrote, "are an example of technology bordering on the insane."
Just one example Fred cited: "I chafe every time a canned voice asks me to type the name of the person I am calling on the numeric pad. If I want to speak to Angus McGillicuddy (last name first, first name second, then press the star key) I have to find a place to sit down and calculate. McGillicuddyangus is rendered down to 62445542833926467. By this time I have forgotten why I am calling him."
"Why," asks my now-favourite columnist, "if speed is the essence of this age, did someone patent an invention that is a major barrier to the free exchange of information? Why, if their flow of information is being impeded, do corporations accept this as a normal state of affairs?"
Here's all membership in FRACAS entails. "Just promise me that every time you encounter an automated switchboard, you will find some way of communicating to that company that you do not wish to do business with them any more."
I'm yours, Fred, I'm yours. I'll accept any position from president to water boy to just plain loyal member without portfolio. And you need not even press star.
My address (also listed on the Review's Website) is ernestly@pathcom.com.
Box 400, 904 East Avenue
Weyburn, SK
S4H 2K4
Phone: (306) 842-7487
Fax: (306) 842-0282
E-mail: weyburn.review@sk.sympatico.ca
This web page and its contents are copyright of the Weyburn
Review (1987) Ltd.
